Celebrating a new beginning

Eating disorder awareness week has ended, but my need to spread awareness about eating disorders doesn’t end here. I'll tell you why.

I’ve hated and been embarrassed about my body, for as long as I remember. A feeling of hate and embarrassment that has forced me to stay away from regular social events, where I’ve felt too exposed and too different. Especially events where I couldn't manically control my carefully selected outfit that covered some of my major embarrassment, such as my chest, has been extremely difficult for me. Particularly circumstances, where a dress code/uniform was required, made me feel different and very exposed since those major embarrassments became very obvious to me and (in my head) others.

The above feelings have played a central part in why I developed an eating disorder 20 years ago and why I felt the need to be clinging to it for more than 15 of those years. My eating disorder has secretly made me feel a bit more in control when feeling too exposed or when preparing for events where I might feel exposed. It has made me set clear goals, which could make me relax and plan ahead. It has given me an opportunity to get an immediate release when I felt bad or I needed to regain control during social events. It has also been a comforting friend when I felt down and alone and needed a moment of satisfaction with an opportunity to regain control quickly.

My eating disorder has also made me obsessed with my weight. At my worst, I weighed myself more than 50 times a day and brought my scale with me on vacations. It has made me feel physically weak and worn due to starvation for days at a time. It has made me panic while having severe anxiety attacks when not reaching the weight goal before an event (even just a few grams could set it off). It has made me feel like a major failure every time I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, kneel down and empty my stomach, where after I would carefully clean myself and the toilet while fearing someone noticed what I’ve just done. It has made me cancel plans at the last minute while lying about why I had to cancel. It had made me get drunk out of my mind to numb the described feelings while making it easier to be social and more confident.

It has made me a liar and a cheater, not telling anyone what I was going through and the pain I was in. It was a lousy spiral that I had no way of escaping because it was the only way I knew how to live. I was a secret I didn’t want anyone to know about because that would make my whole basis of existence crumble - And I would do anything and hurt anyone (including myself) to keep that secret.

After years of pain and changeable lifestyles, I luckily found that my pain had become too much, and I needed my life to change or end it. I, therefore, decided to overtake some of the control from my eating disorder and seek help while slowly beginning to open up. It has been a very long process and has been painful and hard to live with, and I’m not close to done.

Exactly two years ago today, I decided to completely stop emptying my stomach after eating and to be very open about living with an eating disorder and the depression and anxiety that comes with it. It has been challenging, and I still have a little voice in the back of my, trying to convince me to “regain past control”. I’ve now gained 12 kg since then, but I’m happier and more relaxed about how I look than I’ve been for as long as I can remember - And I’m genuinely beginning to care less about what others think, and I’m not letting how I look set social limitations.

I should get myself a pin for the two years of not purging and make this day an annual day of celebration like you would celebrate any other completely life-changing event - And you should too!

Thank you for reading.

Caspar Gylling