Journal
EARN THE CONTRAST
The highs feel so much higher after the lows
Movember 2024
The return of the MO
A comeback of sorts
I guess you could call this a comeback.
La Ferme des Bélugues
The Escape - a place of kindness in the shadow of an icon.
the Ctrl alt dlt tour
Girona - Pyrenees - Girona. A chance to reset and recharge.
suppression
Advice from the U.S. Department of the Interior about wildfires and how I apply it to my mental health.
Comparison: The Thief of Joy.
It's January, a new year. That time of year where we look forward, set new goals and try to improve ourselves. Why?
New year new me - Yeah right!
No New Years resolution just the hope that this good run continues into 2024 and beyond.
Manson was right all along.
The subtle art of not giving a fuck and how I subconsciously adopted his lessons.
Rainbows and unicorns - progress
Heading into Autumn 2023 and it’s safe to say that I don’t have a lot to say. It may sound weird and I’m about to massively contradict myself by writing this but to me that’s a sign I’m in a good place.
Don’t call it a comeback
Currently I’m in a good place and I feel like I have control over my illness as opposed to the other way around.I was diagnosed bi-polar and not that I needed a label. It's definitely explained a lot.
Signing off
It saddens me to admit this but I can’t take it anymore. If you read my previous two entries you’ll notice a difference. The tone, the anger then the more considered. I’m writing this as I sit in the North Terminal at Gatwick Airport, I’m holding back the tears as I don’t want to cry in public. I shouldn’t be feeling like this.
Out of the darkness
It seems fitting to journal my progress, a better filter might be needed sometimes but talking about mental health should’t be all rainbows, unicorns and sparkles, it’s hard and unsettling to hear sometimes, but this journal is the whole reason I set ASCND up in the first place.
Loneliness
The theme for Mental Health Awareness Week 2022
Mona Chammas - Two weeks
I check my menstrual cycle app whilst holding my breath. Day 12. In two days’ time, like clockwork, my life will turn completely upside down for two weeks. Two weeks exactly and not a day more, after which I will spend the following two weeks picking up the pieces. This pattern will repeat itself until I get help
Richard Curtis - Time matters
I will wake up every single day for the rest of my life and take a minute to check I can feel all my limbs, fingers and toes. Once I know I’m ok, I begin my day.
There is a real possibility that one day I will wake up and the outcome will be different. I can’t control this. I can’t plan for it. I can’t anticipate it. My body is a prisoner of my own brain.
My road to respair
Girona was supposed to be an escape, a chance to reset, get back to what I love, travelling and guiding and maybe I’m just pissed off and tired but my behaviour tells me otherwise. I’ve been here before.
ASCND Sussex
ASCND hits Sussex led by route master general Jonnie Bloor
CELEBRATING A NEW BEGINNING
My eating disorder has secretly made me feel a bit more in control when feeling too exposed or when preparing for events where I might feel exposed. It has made me set clear goals, which could make me relax and plan ahead. .
ASCND Goes global
The day we took to the road to inspire meaningful conversations in multiple countries and countless riders. Proud doesn’t even come close.
The art of conversation and taking control of your mental health
I found, very regularly, that my behaviour would worsen very quickly. I would become distant and when challenged I would be verbally abusive as I was unable to communicate my true feelings and emotions. This comes from having never been taught how to express myself.
Paul Dowker
So many times, in the past I’ve simply carried on regardless. Put on the ‘brave face’, a smile and ‘rolled up my sleeves’. It is and was so draining to continue to do that.
Duke - Am i going crazy
Understanding that in every future day exists a new lesson/new path to be found. I have also learnt that progress is seldomly linearWhatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Grief, the New Year and Actively Coping
I let the water rush over my face, let the sadness do the same and just stand there for 10, 15, 20 minutes. I find it’s the only time in a day that it’s just me with my thoughts.Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
probably Not someone like me
I'm not a psychologist, a therapist, I don't work "in mental health" and I don't have any more insight than the next person with their own very personal experiences with anxiety and depression. I have an ostensibly unlikely, but apparently very common, tale to tell.
Jim Clarkson - on the horizon
The things you consume, whether it's visually, orally or audibly all influence and make and inform your thinking. Filter it, some of it is ok, some of it is poison and some is pure tonic. Discerning them is the ongoing balancing trick.
Ketil - END on END
For those of us who are lonely, socially awkward, depressed and/or filled with anxiety, the holidays are known to be difficult. To me, New Year’s makes this much worse.
It Starts and Ends with You
As this year comes to a close, I look back at what I gained, at the friends I’ve made, the personal growth I’ve undergone, the heights I’ve scaled and the depths I’ve come through. It’s been one of the most challenging and difficult years of my lifeWhatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Ben May - A Journey of Unlearning
Unlearning for me is about letting go of all that you were and finding the purest form of yourself. The most empathetic and willing self. The one that wants to help, to listen and to heal.
Daniel Johnson
Daniel works as a mental health practitioner in a south Bristol state school and is the co-founder of Sad Bois Cycle Club, a cycle club aimed at creating a safe, inclusive space for people to come together, ride and share their stories.
I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD
The conflict between what I want to do and how I feel.
ASCND End of year ride
Join us with Rapha RCC for 100 km into Essex lanes
ASCND Ride out
World Mental Health Day Sunday October 10
Manuel Buck - when worlds collide
Everything can change within a fraction of a second. One moment and your life is turned upside down. Sometimes we need to fall deep to rise and change our life.
a letter from joel
One year, 36,500km with an average of 100km per day.
Lars erik lund
Through 25 years of work, it has been my perception that it is absolutely not appropriate to show emotion or be open about mental issues. It does not look good on your CV. I have thought that talking about one's own mental health is taboo, especially at work, but also among friends. That you should, as far as possible, separate private feelings from the professional, and that the best medicine for such negative thoughts is to swallow a big spoonful of "Pull-Yourself-Together" and bury your feelings until you are once again alone with your thoughts
ASCND Sussex
Faces from the journal. Myself, Sam Slatter, India Landy, Peter Clarkson and Jonnie Bloor all got together for a 100 km loop around Sussex. This is it, this is what ASCND is all about, we rode, we chatted and we laughed.
Mind fart
Why is exiting lockdown harder than entering it?
Sam SLatter 2021
I recently realised that it had been exactly two years since I had broken my collarbone while away skiing. Why is this important? Well, I believe this to be one of the catalysts that led to my most significant and impactful crisis point and my further battle with mental health.
postcard from norfolk
Mark Ashby My postcard from Norwich with associated crew of cyclists is a tale of pleasure about being back amongst the group ride. It’s been a strange past 6 months on the bike, solo outings and local loops in 2’s have been massively valued. Essential social riding with a ‘ride partner’ kept me on a level both fitness wise and mentally.
Process
I have a postcard from Fingercrossed stuck on my wall by my desk, it reads “all this pain will teach you everything.”. There’s solace in that. This is a process, stick with it, try not to lose heart. You will grow, you will feel better.
Ketil
I am a social worker by education, and have spent the majority of my working years in social services and I've also worked in a psychiatric ward, meeting and talking to people dealing with depression, suicide survivors, anorexics, patients and clients with psychosis, and all numbers of serious and milder mental health issues and diseases. With that in mind, I guess many would think I should have seen the signs in my own mental well-being, but as it turns out, it doesn't necessarily work that way.
India Landy
Until very recently, I thought of myself as a sad person. I’ve always felt as if I was holding an invisible burden – as if all the joy in the world had been swallowed up and I was left with a big, heavy ball of sad upon my shoulders. Not that anyone was ever to know this
Progress
A year ago my life was at an impasse. I needed to decide between altering the way I had lived my life thus far or to give up and end my life.
Duke
Hey, my name is Duke A and I suffer from depression and anxiety. I also do alot of other things such as: writing poetry, riding and racing bicycles, fixing bicycles, modelling and playing basketball. You're probably wondering why I'm mentioning these things? I mention them because they are all apart of who I am, however they do not define me.
Then and now
Over the last five years I’ve struggled to find any balance in my life. I’ve often talked about trying to find happiness but I’ve never really understood what that means, I’ve had this unrealistic vision of a constant feeling of bliss and joy and wondered why I can't achieve it. I’ve since learned that happiness isn’t a constant it comes and goes and now I’m OK with that.
Here we go again
Many things have been written already about 2020, most of which are in agreement that humanity is happy to dispose of it into the bin marked ‘Never Again’, whilst flicking it the bird and calling it names to hurt its feelings, although sadly this year seems to have taken up the baton that last year handed over with consummate ease.
Sam slatter. Changes
My life has been feeling rather full on recently and it’s come at a time of year where my thoughts always seem to get the better of me. I feel it stems from the accumulation of not being able to socialise as we once did, the cold depth of winter and the lack of natural light in my life which is beginning to feel all too overwhelming.
Loneliness and friendship
Most of my life I have been surrounded by people. It has always been easy for me to make new friends and I have always had plenty of friends. Some might even say that I was popular. Nevertheless I have felt alone for the majority of my life.
Sam Slatter
I have always felt that I (and many others) have been a part of a generation who were almost forced to accept lows as a way of life. I have lived amidst a lifelong silent struggle with anxiety and felt as though it was a sign of weakness or that anxiety should be something I could simply deal with…
Connecting.
Jonnie Bloor. I should have spotted the warning signs, the little clues that a breakdown was coming. I should have, but I didn’t. Or did I just ignore them and go with the stoic, blinkered attitude of “if i persevere, pretend everything is fine, it’ll all go away”? It never does, and I knew this.
JONNIE BLOOR
I remember sitting at my desk at work and thinking to myself that what I was feeling, what I’d been feeling for a while wasn’t ‘right’, it wasn’t me. The more I sat there thinking the more i realised just how long I’d been in this state. This was the first time I’d put things together and concluded there was more to this than just being dour, as some had labelled me.
The Road to respair. My Meaningful miles.
The reason I'm doing this is a very personal one. In 2017 I reached a crisis point and couldn't see a way out. It culminated in two suicide attempts. I had isolated myself and tried to battle through on my own, it didn't work. I'm worried we'll see an increase in mental health issues and a rise suicides over the next few months. Shorter days, winter weather and feelings of isolation and despair.
Community. Jordan Addsion
"The person that walks through our door is more valuable than the money they are going to spend."
When planning and preparing to open the doors of G!RO back in 2013, this mantra was the heartbeat behind everything, and is central to the core of who we are and why we exist.
nick Frendo
The drive behind this project is born out of Nick’s own battle with his own mental health. It’s been a near-lifelong struggle for Nick and has resulted in two attempts to take his own life. The Nick Frendo that has come out of that experience is a stronger, more open Nick Frendo, and one that wants to share his experience to help others.
Leon Cerrone
I’m unsure when it first started but it was around my early 20’s, it probably wasn’t that bad as first. But I hid it and sat on until my mid thirties. Telling myself I was ok, hiding it, putting on a show and taking it out on the ones closest to me. I guess I kind of know why I didn’t say anything for so long, people or guys like me shouldn’t be depressed. I’ve always had good jobs, had a great friend circle, loving family the list goes on. I heard the same things for years not directed at me, but when the subject of mental health were brought up or spoken about it the same “ they’re not depressed they just need to get out” or
“They just need to bloody pull themselves together”
Jim Clarkson
I’ve known Nick for a while, we rode bikes together at various points, and he’s the sort of guy who unexpectedly offers to drive you to North Wales whilst you guide a group of mountain bikers round the hills, and he acts as support vehicle and an extra pair of hands to entertain the riders whilst I cooked or prepped for the next day.
He’s a quiet, some might say insular, or reflective sort. He’d say something else, he’d say something rude about himself. So would I at times, because we can say that about each other.