Jonnie bloor

I remember sitting at my desk at work and thinking to myself that what I was feeling, what I’d been feeling for a while wasn’t ‘right’, it wasn’t me. The more I sat there thinking the more i realised just how long I’d been in this state. This was the first time I’d put things together and concluded there was more to this than just being dour, as some had labelled me. I spent that evening thinking about this over and over - what was it? Who was I? How do I fix this? I knew little to nothing about ill mental health. The next morning I woke up and just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t face going back to work, it was all too much. After a conversation with my doctor he told me that I had acute depression and anxiety. It had a name at last.

I was signed off work for a few months, spending my days lost in a brain fog, crying, and/or disengaging from my family, whilst I tried to figure stuff out, all the time confused and disorientated by the nothingness I was feeling. Day after day I felt despondent and alone and it seemed like I was never going to claw myself out of this chasm I was in.

I’d been cycling for about four years by then, mainly for fun and to get fit, but now it took on a whole new dimension. Riding my bike quickly became my escape. Escape from my head, escape from my life and the demands and pressures that went with it, escape from the world and all its unfairness and ugliness. I would spend hours on the bike meandering down the Sussex lanes near where I live, sometimes pushing myself so as to focus on my stats, other times just bumbling along the seafront or cruising around to get lost in the countryside. My bike gave me something to look forward to and this is where my recovery began, and where I still go to when I have that black dog creep up from behind and bite me on the arse.

I love riding my bike, whether that’s on my own or with mates. Each bring their own qualities, and I enjoy them for what they are and what they bring, be that thinking time , escapism or just having a laugh with someone. It keeps me going, motivates me and never doubts me (like I can sometimes!). That feeling of turning a gear, the sound of rubber rolling over asphalt and the chain spinning through the drivetrain is one of pure delight and is guaranteed to put a grin on my face.

I love exploring new roads and places, connecting with the environment around me, being amongst nature - and of course stopping for a flat white. Hitting the trails for a quick thrash or with a tent and a stove further embed that connection with nature.

I’ve come to realise two things about cycling, and in particular my relationship with it; firstly that whilst it helps me greatly with my depression and anxiety it is not a cure and as such I can manage my expectations better, and also that taking it too seriously only adds to the anxiety. With that in mind I’ve relaxed about the riding and am an ardent believer in only doing it when it will be fun, or when I’m feeling into it. Which is whenever I can!

Depression is not something that just goes away, but irrespective of how I’m feeling riding my bike is dependable, and provides moments of joy that I just wouldn’t get if I didn’t have it. It also gives me the opportunity to plan adventures, be they just for a day or over a few days. Yay for bikes!

You can follow Jonnie’s journey over on his Instagram Centuries CC