I feel like a fraud

Feeling like a fraud.

I thought it was about time I contributed something to the journal. Although I’ve had a few ups and downs it’s been quite a long time since I experienced any real lows. I thought I was winning. It’s been hard to write about feeling hopeful and positive, I used to find it really easy to talk about my lows and it helped, it stopped me bottling things up, I got better at talking to those around me and in turn that made life easier. 

I started ASCND to encourage people to talk and to try and signpost help and resources. Recently I’ve actively stepped away and stopped talking about my experiences and how I feel. I don’t want ASCND to be about me and without realising I started to bottle things up and revert to my old self. I’m doing exactly what I founded ASCND to change, I know where it can lead and I know what’ll happen to me, it’s a path I’ve been down many times before and it doesn’t end well. These days I’m very self aware, I can normally swerve the lows as I’ve learned what triggers them and I thought I was now equipped to deal with them and better at letting people know what’s going on with me.

Now I know I’m not alone in the way I’m feeling and everyone has had a tough time over the last couple of years but I’m not in a good place, I’m not happy with who I am or how I feel. I’m lucky though as I’m not alone. I have an amazing supportive girlfriend and family but sometimes it’s hard to talk about how I’m feeling because I don’t want to be a burden, something that for a lot of you out there, I know is also relatable. I don't want them to worry about me. They've done so much to help over the years and like I said earlier everyone including them have had it hard.

As I write this a new Covid variant has been announced, now I’m filled with dread as I fully expect the two trips I have in the new year to be cancelled. I’d foolishly hoped my mood would change once I get to travel and I could put this phase behind me.

I dealt with the first couple of lockdowns like a rockstar, I had isolation down. I’d spent years trying to isolate myself so it was easy. This year however I’ve struggled to cope. I had to isolate after surgery. I wasn't allowed out of the house because of the risk of infection. I had to isolate again after a colleague had tested positive for Covid, it was one hit after another. Now loaded with anxiety when I’m around people, I won’t ride in groups. I've forced myself to try and be sociable and not enjoyed it due to the stress and how it makes me feel. I’ve organised rides and wanted to hide, I’ve been invited on numerous rides and cancelled and felt like I’ve let people down. For someone who’s trying to build a community to help others, the stress I’ve created for myself is unbearable. I'm mentally exhausted from fighting what I want to create, and trying to find the willpower to help people in similar situations with their mental health. which I know helps others and how I feel within myself. The pressure I’ve put myself under isn’t healthy and I can feel a return to the old me coming back. Currently I’m tired and constantly angry, quite often not a nice person to be around, when I feel it brewing I can’t find a way of letting it out and I don’t want it to affect my relationship or friendships, so I hide it. What a hypocrite.

I get a lot of praise for what I’ve done and what I’ve created and how I’ve helped others. I'm really proud of ASCND but at the moment not the person I’m becoming. I really want to continue but not at my own expense. I’ve never preached and I have never (I hope) acted like I have any answers but I do feel like people look to me as someone who knows what he’s doing. Guess what, I don’t. I feel lost, I’ve put on weight, I’m drinking too much and not exercising enough. A lack of self confidence, zero motivation and anger have got me scrambling to find a therapist, yet another head fuck but that’s for another day.

I’ve talked about the Road to Respair. The feeling of hope after a period of despair. Somewhere over the last year or so I’ve lost my way and hit a bit of a dead end. For someone who’s created and promoted the ASCND message of hope, community and conversation I’ve never felt more of a fraud.

I’m not really sure where I’m heading with this and maybe just putting it in writing gets some of it off my chest. Hopefully a return to therapy will help put me back on the right road. I also hope that others can relate to this, if nothing else by me putting it out there someone will realise they’re not the only one struggling and while it’s frustrating to not have the answers maybe it’s OK to acknowledge you’re not on the right path and maybe it’s all part of the journey.

There doesn't feel like there’s a start, middle or conclusion to this, if anything it’s just another “mindfart”. I know I’ve got the right support to get through this and with a bit more help I can get back on track. 

Let’s call this part one. I’ll let you know how things progress.