Leon Cerrone
I’m not sure when I first met Leon, I was running Kinoko in Soho and he was one of the Rapha cool kids from around the corner, must have been 2013. I envied Leon, effortlessly cool and he always seemed to be laughing and smiling, I guess like me and a lot of other people he was holding something back.
Fast forward to New Years day 2018 and a Facebook post that changed my life. Had Leon not posted and shared what he went though I doubt I would have opened up and set out to help others.
Thank you Leon.
LEON:
I’m unsure when it first started but it was around my early 20’s, it probably wasn’t that bad as first. But I hid it and sat on until my mid thirties. Telling myself I was ok, hiding it, putting on a show and taking it out on the ones closest to me. I guess I kind of know why I didn’t say anything for so long, people or guys like me shouldn’t be depressed. I’ve always had good jobs, had a great friend circle, loving family the list goes on. I heard the same things for years not directed at me, but when the subject of mental health were brought up or spoken about it the same “ they’re not depressed they just need to get out” or
“They just need to bloody pull themselves together”
And so my masquerade went on for 14 years or so self medicating, destructive patterns hurting the ones close until the elastic snapped.....
And now that brings us to the exercise bit.... I’d used cycling as a release or escape but as cyclists know you can never fully switch off with traffic and pedestrians, pot holes the list goes on. Unsure why but 2017 was a hard year and the end just imploded for me. I had a hard time at home and was going through some rough personal stuff. To top it off I had a crash on my bike 2 days before New Years shattering 6 bones in the arm.... New Year’s Day 2018 rolls around and was sat on the sofa in an empty house in tears... I decided to spill my guts out on social media some might say it was attention seeking or such. But the only thing it was for me was admitting I wasn’t well, I’d been putting on a show for years. Doing this was my way of saying right we’re admitting this and getting help. The out pouring of support I got was overwhelming. Yet a couple of weeks later I still tried to take my own life. Some close friends dragged me to the doctors 2 days later. And I was put on anti depressants and a few days later after some physco anyalis(is that what it’s called?) I was then booked in for therapy. After having an operation and being told I wouldn’t ride again for at least 7 months I decided to sign up for hackney half marathon. That was one of the best things I ever did running allowed me to fully escape for want of a better word or maybe even switch off. And sometimes really think about what was going on in my head and life something I never could do with cycling. I took up running thinking I’d hate it, planned to run hackney and throw my running shoes away. I’m now a few half marathons and one marathon in with a few 5/10k races too. Along side the counciling and medication (which I’m both still on) running has helped me with my serve depression massively. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be where i’am today or maybe here if it wasn’t for it.
I’m unsure if I’ll ever be 100% but I’m learning how to manage and deal with my mental health. I’m learning to spot the black dog and when he’s incoming, I’m throwing the stick away and it goes further each time but I know he’s always slowly bringing it back.
I know one thing though running helped save my life and i’ve met some amazing . people/friends along the way
To finish though I remember going down for my operation on my arm and speaking to the head anaesthetist and having to tell him what medication I was taking. When I told him what antidepressants I was on he had a very shocked look on his face his response was “you don’t look like you should be depressed” I guess that shows how far we still need to get too on the mental health front.
I tell myself everyday it’s ok to not be ok
And if you’re reading this and you were one of the people that helped me or reached out to me.. I’m forever indebted to you.