out of the darkness
So i made it this far
I wanted to write this while it is still fresh in my mind, it’s the only fresh thing about me at the moment as I’ve been on my bike for the last three days and I’m still sitting in my kit. It seems fitting to journal my progress, a better filter might be needed sometimes but talking about mental health should’t be all rainbows, unicorns and sparkles, it’s hard and unsettling to hear sometimes, but this journal is the whole reason I set ASCND up in the first place.
It’s been ten days since my last episode* and a lot has happened since. My last journal post was written from a place of anger, despair and isolation. I’ve moved on, I’ve had care, support and medication. I’ve always avoided all the above thinking I could distract myself enough to not need it. I’ve now accepted I need help and whether it’s in the form of medication or therapy I’ll take it all and while the doctors search for a label to define my mental illness I’ll accept whatever they suggest.
The medication or “brain biscuits” Leon Ceronne ® I’ve been prescribed is Mirtrazapine. I haven’t asked many questions about it but it seems to be helping. I’m sleeping soundly for 7 - 8 hours a day but more importantly I’m calm, maybe even uncomfortably calm. There’s almost a numbness but I’ll take that for now so I don’t have to fight the lows, it has reduced the highs as well, I’m a steady 5/10, I could murder a 7 right now. I’ve tried as well, I’ve been out a couple of times to “distract” myself of an evening and there’s been an emptiness, I’ve burnt time in other people's company, it feels a bit wrong.
So that brings me to today. Three days bike packing, not as adventurous as it sounds, one night at a friend's house and one camping. My progress has been noticeable, to the point where I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to spend some time on my own in my own thoughts, two weeks ago that was the last place I wanted to be. I also wanted to see if I was ready to visit the scene of my second episode* and see how I felt and to see if the meds helped with things like this. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own and asked a friend to help, we met for coffee, talked it through and made our way onto Tower Bridge, my heart raced but I was OK. We stood on the spot for a few minutes, we didn’t talk much apart from the occasional “are you ok” or words of comfort. I was OK, it took a while for it to dawn on me but I (the meds) had beaten a potentially huge trigger, she instinctively when to speak, what to say and when not to speak, there was nobody better to help me and get me through a potentially traumatic experience.
My next challenge was to spend some time alone. I’d planned a three day city escape. The idea was to ride all day for three days by myself, almost as daunting as facing Tower Bridge. I wanted to stay within easy reach of friends and family, I didn’t plan any routes, I just rolled around and turned left or right whenever I felt like it. I ended up mainly riding around the Surrey Hills and trails I grew up riding. I’d loaded my bike with a change of kit and some essentials. Tuesday and Wednesday I rode from 08:00 am - 17:00 literally just bimbling around, it was nice, my head was empty except for all the #content I was vomiting out. Wednesday night i camped (glamped) at The Barn KT9, so easy to get to you forget how close to London you really are. I coped fine, no intrusive thoughts, no negative attitude, just calm. After a brief spin on Thursday I returned home, sat in my rank kit and wrote this. I felt good, maybe my mood even stretched to a 6/10. Progress.
Friday I have another assessment and I’ll probably/ hopefully be discharged from care. The last assessment was a traumatic experience, I guess it needed to be but it also contributed to my second episode* . I’ve asked for help and comfort after just in case, I am feeling anxious but at least I know what to expect and I also have the safety net of my meds. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to look at them like that but that’s how I feel about them. Hopefully they’ll prevent me dropping to a 1-2/10 and even if the assessment tomorrow is hard I can cope. As before I still feel isolate and alone, I guess people either don’t know what to say or don’t want to say anything.
To wrap this up, currently I have one concern. I love the highs, the buzz from riding my bike and giving myself a good kicking. I miss the belly laughs and piss taking, I feel I’m losing a great part of what makes me me. I guess they go hand in hand with the lows and I'll just have to accept a degree of calmness/ stability/ numbness and hope that therapy can help reduce my need for the meds, after all I guess I’m still in crisis. Finding my way out of it and hopefully soon the return of hope after this period of despair will replace the mundane emptiness created by the meds.
I’m definitely not on The Road to Respair yet but I have a week in Provence to look forward to and I’m starting a new job when I return. If my progress continues like this then hopefully I’ll return from France with a new outlook and have a better understanding of who I am
*I’m not actually sure what word to use for suicidal crisis.
Edit: At the time of publishing this, late Friday I learned that I wasn’t ready to be discharged from care. I decided to be on my own to deal with the disappointment. I felt like I’ve got to learn to deal with things on my own, that too would feel like a positive step, a small win. Surely I’m allowed to feel a bit pissed off about stuff without it needing to be a drama, at the end of the day it’s not really a big deal, just a knock to my ego. It’ll pass and by the time I hit Sunday evening I should have an 800 km week in my legs, that’s what I should be focussing on right?
Nick Frendo
