Then and Now

The great irish poet ronan keating had it right when he sang “life is a rollercoaster”.

Over the last five years I’ve struggled to find any balance in my life. I’ve often talked about trying to find happiness but I’ve never really understood what that means, I’ve had this unrealistic vision of a constant feeling of bliss and joy and wondered why I can't achieve it. I’ve since learned that happiness isn’t a constant it comes and goes and now I’m OK with that. I’m not chasing it and you know what because of that I’m happier.

I recently realised that I’ve not written anything for a long time, instead inviting others to share. For those of you who are new to ASCND or what I do here’s a brief intro.

In 2017 I reached a crisis point. I attempted suicide twice in a three month period. For a long time I’d struggled, I didn’t know why, I felt that I didn’t really fit in anywhere, I wasn’t capable of maintaining relationships and I wasn’t “designed to be happy”. I came to the realisation that I was capable of not only bringing myself down but also capable of leaving a trail of devastation. I broke people who got close to me, I was worried I would do this to my kids, so I ran away. I left the UK to start a life in Girona, I isolated myself but still put on a social media front, a veneer of bullshit so people wouldn’t ask how I was doing. I was a wreck but I couldn’t let anyone know.

I was lost, confused, angry, sad, overwhelmed and exhausted. One day I decided I’d had enough and left home. I rode one of my favourite routes and the plan was to hit a descent as fast and as hard as I could and take each corner on the wrong side of the road hoping there would be a car coming up the hill. At those speeds I wouldn’t stand a chance and it would look like an accident. My job was as a tour guide, I’d spent years trying to sell Girona as a cycling paradise, the people, the roads, the weather and the lack of traffic. The irony being that even on that 20 kilometer descent I didn’t see a single car the day I wanted to most.

This was the first attempt but not the last. This isn’t about the darkness though, this is about my journey out of it, respair. 

Since 2017 I’ve set out to share my experiences and talk openly about what I went through and how I now cope. My biggest mistake was isolating myself. I have since learned that being open with those around me and being honest with myself is the key to coping. I still struggle but I’m better equipped to deal with things. I can recognise when I’m losing control and spot my triggers. I hope by sharing others can see similar in themselves and I hope it helps them.

I have since become a mental health ambassador for Movember. I’ve used cycling and social media as a way of meeting people and sharing stories. I won’t give advice or preach, just share what I’m going through and hope that it triggers something positive for the people who see or read it. I created ASCND as a platform so others could join me and share their stories. Cycling is incredible for helping and igniting conversations. Whether it’s a coffee ride, high mountain epic, a bike packing adventure it’s the shared experiences and endorphins that create the perfect environment to help people open up. For me it was that initial conversation that got all this started, on my bike in the Dolomites with a friend.

My journey through this may never end, but that’s OK. I’ve had some serious lows, the worst very recently but I dealt with it. When I realised what was going on and recognised certain behaviours I called Samaritans. It was an option I hadn’t considered before but it helped me regain control. I was able to talk to those around me and able to help them understand what was going on with me. I’m happy to share that  as to me it’s important that I talk about it and hopefully it’ll help someone who’s in a similar position. That’s what this and ASCND is all about. 

The more people that join me and share their experiences the more people we can help.  So here we are in 2021. Lockdown, isolation, January, crap weather and I’m feeling OK. I’m not worried about any of those things, they will pass. I will be able to travel and ride in the mountains again and I will be able to see family and friends again and the sun will shine.

My favourite new word Respair. It means the return of hope after a period of despair. Today I’m feeling hopeful, I’ve managed to put the negatives to one side for now and prioritise the good things, even things that just act as a distraction like my photography. Now if I feel up tight, wound up I’ll pick up my camera and head out on my bike. Both help me unwind, clear my head and feel productive. 

If nothing else, thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope someone out there has been able to take something positive from it.

Nick Frendo