Manson was right all along


Not Marilyn or Charlie obviously. 

I recently shared a post on UNDONE about how I’ve struggled to write and maybe even think positively about my experiences over the last couple of years. It’s hard to look back at what happened and how dark things were and see any good in it. But something’s changed and I seem to have turned a corner.

My attitude towards a lot of things is different these days, dont get me wrong I’m still the same salty, sarcastic mother fucker I’ve always been and I’ve not had some kind of breakthrough or epiphany but there has been a change that I’ve only recently started to notice. I’m still aware I could relapse any day but I think and hope I’m far more self aware and people close to me recognise when I’m struggling even if I were to try and hide it, which I don’t they’ll call me out.

A few simple things I’ve noticed about my cycling. I’m not obsessed with it, I ride if I want, don’t give a shit if I veg on the sofa and I don't beat myself up if I don't go out. Distance and time doesn’t matter anymore, just being outside is a win. I have a busy life with people in it, sometimes I just need a break from bikes so sofa days are OK and those people in my life deserve to be my priority sometimes. I’m currently on a good run, mixing up indoors and outside, if it’s pissing down I can go out and enjoy as much as if it’s dry, I have the right kit and sometimes I find a ride in the rain incredibly cathartic. None of that Rule 9 bullshit, it’s just fun sometimes.

I’m no longer suffering from FOMO, I can doom scroll and not feel like I’m missing anything by not going out. It’s my choice not to go out so why get pissed off.

Some of my choices with where and when I ride have been questionable this year. Italy in February, across the mountains, what was I thinking. I encountered driving rain, snow and fog. Old Nick would’ve looked for a way out but bizarrely I really enjoyed it. Similarly a short break in The Lakes in November with Jim Clarkson. Cold Dark North at its best. More rain, wind and challenging conditions but still I was able to laugh and I now have some incredible memories to look back on.

My only cycling goal is to retire to Italy and ride well into my later years without a care in the world. Be the old guy sat at a cafe drinking espresso and enjoying the sun.

This isn’t a post about how cycling helps and how it’s the cure for all things mental health related, it isn’t always the answer but it can help sometimes.

Off the bike I’ve been the same, I can tell the difference when I’m stressed and how I react and that includes things I might find triggering. There’s a big difference between stress and my illness, stress passes, when I’m spiralling my behaviour is extreme. I will flip in an instant, I’m erratic, have huge mood swings and normally try to cover it all up by riding loads or even writing and posting loads. Strava’s a great tracker for my mental health, that’s not a joke either, consistent three to four hundred km weeks are a good sign I’m not well.

I’ve been fairly calm over the last year, sometimes I worried about being a bit lazy because I haven’t ridden as much and I’m not as skinny as I once was but I have a job, one I really enjoy and don't have the time I used to and that’s OK. When I was guiding I was riding 20 - 30 hours a week all over Europe, I’m lucky I can look back to where I’ve been and the opportunities I’ve had, it also means now I don't have anything to prove to myself or hang ups about what I “need” to achieve, I don’t “need” to achieve anything except be content and self aware.

I had five years between two serious mental health crises. After the first one I started my “journey,” posting about it and being #openandhonest (bullshit). I talked about how aware I was, I researched, read up, listened to podcasts but essentially avoided any real work on myself. I tried various ways of trying to fix myself or if I’m being honest, ways of distracting myself and avoiding any real work.  Eventually that caught up with me and well, we all know what happened next.

One thing that stuck with me though was Mark Manson’s The subtle art of not giving a fuck. I read it a few times and although I understood it I could never genuinely put it into practice. I loved appearing to not giving a fuck but I really did. I cared about all the instagram likes and noise. I cared about what people thought about me even though I said I didn't. I cared about how I looked and how I was perceived as a cyclist, I only now realise what a load of old bollocks that is. 

Things don’t affect me the way they used to. I’m not saying I’m ambivalent and I don’t care about anything, what I’m saying is that I choose when and how to care and when to use my fucks now. I’m far better at giving less of them. If I dont ride, I don’t care, or should I say give a fuck. I use them sparingly instead of applying them to everything and throwing them around like paper aeroplanes (to quote Manson). So many things are out of my control so if bad things happen, let them but don't let them dominate my thoughts, if I get stressed it’s OK, life’s not supposed to be easy, move on and most importantly recognise the small things and good deeds. If I have a good few days on the bike, great, if I don’t ride for a few days, who cares. If a customer at work acts on my advice then great, if they don’t listen and buy a Specialized then that’s also OK, they’ll learn in time and see the error in their ways.

My fucks these days are for the things and people who matter and not for everything and everyone. I think it’s only now I’ve realised that I’ve kind of adopted Manson's ideology without really trying and that’s why I’m currently feeling OK and happy with where I’m at and my place in the world.

Two positive posts in a row, fuck me who even am I ?