sam slatter. changes

Sam Slatter part two.

My life has been feeling rather full on recently and it’s come at a time of year where my thoughts always seem to get the better of me. I feel it stems from the accumulation of not being able to socialise as we once did, the cold depth of winter and the lack of natural light in my life which is beginning to feel all too overwhelming. On top of this I’ve started a new job, moved to a new house and have been adapting to new surroundings whilst meeting all sorts of new faces. It’s completely natural to feel overwhelmed, isn’t it? Yes, surely it is, but I’m not sure I manage the sensations particularly well. My mind begins to race with the thought of being exposed to a new environment. Do you think they know about me? Do they know I wanted to kill myself? Do they know I’ve had suicidal thoughts? Do they know I have anxiety? Should I tell them? Will anyone ask me?

I attempt to manage these emotions which fuel my anxiety and I start to spiral out of control. When all I desire is a clear headspace away from these battles, I try too hard to tackle the hints and clues, dissect every little detail, and find myself up until the early hours of the night thinking I’m going to cry. I can’t express why but I often feel the need to starting crying needlessly and feel sensations of tearfulness. Maybe this a sign of when I am trying too hard to tell myself I am alright. In the past, I have ignored these signs and they’ve led me down a route of running away from home, smoking and feeling an enormous sense of vulnerability. I’ve started to understand that for me it is best I accept I can’t fight every struggle or feeling of susceptibility surrounding my life. My triggers come in many different forms and I may never be able to combat them, but admitting to them is half the battle and is a huge step in managing my mental health. I will always live in my own head, I will not always be surrounded by friends and family, and can’t always be on my bike. Therefore, I have found that owning an element of my struggles is the right path to follow for me personally rather than putting immense strain on my well-being.

The start of my new job approached after some less than pleasant nights and I was a wreck trying to ready myself for my first day at work and my commute in. However, I experienced an indescribable moment which completely passed me by at the time. I left my house, I clipped into my pedals, rolled to work and as a result of sitting in the saddle for a mere 30 mins. It had felt as though my lack of sleep and numerous anxious thoughts just washed away. This moment was indescribable because it wasn’t until my commute home that I started being conscious of the fact all my initial fears never came to fruition. That 30 minutes of solace to and from work allowed me to process all the thoughts I had been having. It gave the time and space I needed. Cycling enables me to strip back all my personal lacklustre efforts to manage my mental health, and regain a form of control of my mind & thoughts. Being able to ride to work as a commute may become a very important part of my process of dealing with my struggle, allowing me 30 minutes of time at each end of the day.

I hadn’t been riding an awful lot in the build-up to the changes in my life which was very naive and stupid of me because riding is my self-care. If I skip self-care my old feelings heighten, I feel old vulnerability creeping in and I get a reminder of the old me which I accept will always be there. I need to keep my passion, fuel my passion, keep my edge and keep that ride going to take care of me. My goal is happiness and I ride to keep me happy.

In recent weeks, myself and the Inner Acre have discussed our plans to complete the Rapha Festive 500 and we had hoped to complete it together. However, with the new tier 4 restrictions it caused a major setback to our group ride plans. The news upset me massively, I then began to worry that I would be spending a considerable amount of time alone which caused an element of fear to start creeping into my mind-set. However, it is in testing times such as these that the strength and support of friends truly shines through. Even the seemingly insignificant process of talking through everyone plans and routes of how everyone is going about their festive 500 gave me motivation and inspiration. So, although it can’t be as a group of friends, instead we’re limited to groups of 2, the Inner Acre are pressing on. While following the rapha motto of 2020 ‘solo but never alone’.

Since my first interview a tremendous number of friends & family have reached out to me and I can’t thank them enough, as they were completely unaware of my circumstances. On top of this people have opened up to me after I let my feelings be known and it’s the exact reason I wanted to be a part of ASCND. I once felt I had no one to talk too but I have discovered I do, despite it being so difficult to open up and admit my struggles. I want to ensure no ever feels the loneliness I have experienced and that people know; how we feel is valid, you’re not going crazy, you’re not alone in this.