Duke Agyapong

Am I going crazy

Am I going crazy?

Or does nothing feel the same.

Everything I've worked on.

Including trying to stay sane.

The version of Duke.

That I have been chasing for while.

Is NOT the reason,

As to why I can now smile.

For as long as I can remember I have been chasing a version of myself before my first breakdown. Where I felt like I was actually successful and achieving so much. Where my depression and anxiety was just my secret shame.

The road to repair is definitely a long one, but you do learn quite a bit along the way. I’ve learnt that there is no destination, no point where this journey ends. Understanding that in every future day exists a new lesson/new path to be found. I have also learnt that progress is seldomly linear. Not always moving forwards, but sometimes stepping back and pausing in order to progress.

I was asked the question of who am I/who do I want to be? My answer was - someone who helps people. A silly analogy but - before flying we're told to put on our masks before helping others put on theirs - I can't help others to the best of my ability unless I'm healthy myself. Managing my expectations and taking back my autonomy.

Asking for help and accepting it does not make me weak, but it makes me human. For so long I didn't feel as though I belonged anywhere, infact - I'm sure I've referred to myself as an alien who just can't understand emotions. It took a lot of therapy, hard work and using the tools I had been given for me to be here right now. I had to find what worked best for me and now for the first time in a long time - I'm actually looking forward to my future. Of course there will be bad days, but I'm no longer toolless nor do I feel alone.

Duke.