Loneliness

The theme for mental health awareness week 2022.

The theme is loneliness and I’ve never felt so alone. I finished the week in care after two suicide attempts.

Bear with me here this feels somewhat contrived. I wrote this on Wednesday, three more days have past and I’ver had to update and regularly edit this post. When I wrote this I felt a degree of hope, that has now passed. It’s Saturday and after days of conflict I’ve decided to post this but the outcomes different to the original entry.

Wednesday 11th May I’m sitting in my flat debating whether to write anything about my current state of mind and very recent experiences. Things are both still very raw and I’m still very confused. This will either strike a nerve and I should add it may trigger some people, it may also be a random brain dump from someone experiencing a serious mental health relapse.

I felt safer as I initially wrote this and was being looked after twice a day. I was visited by mental health nurses and Drs, I can’t thank them enough. I still continued to face intrusive thoughts but for a while I also accepted that I need to stop trying to fight this on my own and get proper help. We’re not sure what that help is at the moment, it could be meds, it could be some kind of therapy.

This week is mental health awareness week, the theme is loneliness, oh the irony. I should be promoting all the work I’ve done, my work with Lucky Saint, the mental health first aid courses, the G!ro podcast and generally making a lot of noise. Instead, I’m back acutely aware of my mental illness. This four year self destruct cycle continues and I don’t know how to break it.

It’s been a tough year, various things have contributed to my current state of mind. I’ve faced a few knocks and setbacks, who hasn’t. I’ve actually dealt with them pretty well. I felt like I was able to take a step back and think before reacting. The events leading up to my actions I would rather not talk about

I never thought I’d be back where I am. Sunday 8th I took a turn for the worse, I triggered and lost all hope and spiralled. I can’t remember the exact events, it's still a blur, I paced around and felt like I had nothing, no hope and nothing to give. I panicked, I got dressed and put a plan in place to end my life. I continued to pace and panic, I was a mess, this went on for a couple of hours until I took the decision to call Samaritans. This wasn’t the first time but it didn’t have the desired effect, I was past the point where I couldn’t think or listen, I hung up.

I tried to fight my thoughts but it was no good. I was in a full blown crisis. I was dressed and I picked up my keys ready to walk out the flat at 04:00 am. I called an Uber ready to put my plan into action. Bizarrely there was a 20 min wait, WTF, it’s 04:00 am. I paced around the streets, distressed, lost (mentally) . I sat in the gutter, thought about what I was trying to do and the people I love. I cancelled the Uber and went back up stairs. I thought I’d gathered myself but I hadn’t, 10 minutes later I was reaching for the door again, but something happened. I thought about those around me and that’s where the fight back started. I also knew this wouldn’t pass if I tried to deal with it on my own. Still in panic mode I knew I had to do something fast, so I called 999, I could barely speak, the person on the other end managed to get some information out of me and tried to take control of the situation, I hung up. 

I paced around again, my phone constantly ringing and I tried to ignore it. Again overwhelmed but after the 4th time I picked up. Police and ambulance are on the way and soon after the police arrived with mental health specialists.

After a few hours and after being assessed it was decided that I shouldn’t go to hospital. A plan was put in place, daily care and support with regular assessments from MH nurses and medics. Somehow though I still felt alone, trapped on an island and no matter how hard people try they couldn’t reach me. As the week progressed I began to feel more isolated again. The visits were getting shorter, the phone stopped ringing and people got on with their lives. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday all I had were a few texts, people meaning well but not understanding I needed contact not “good vibes”. My mental state meant that when you say I’m there or something similar I’ll latch on to that and it’ll give me hope. I lost that hope on Friday night and after a traumatic psychological assessment in the afternoon I needed support and felt alone.

It lead to a sleepless night, I wasn’t agitated or angry just lost. I got up around 05:00 am and published this and put it on my socials. I switched off all forms of comms on my phone, made coffee and calmly got dressed, wrote some goodbye notes and left the house.

Without going into detail, this wasn’t the same as before, I was weirdly calm and collected and focussed on the job in hand. I already had a plan in place and got on with it. I had lost all hope, I had one goal in mind. Unlike before, this time I didn’t “complete” my task as I was stopped and not by me. For most of the day I was looked after by the police, the four officers were amazing. I was sectioned and taken into care.

Now looking back I see it as as a good thing. I’m now in the system and have a plan in place. I’ll be getting help and can hopefully make the right changes and be the person I want to be.

I have no idea how long it’s going to take me to process this and find some normality (whatever that is). My perception is valid and my feelings on this matter. I honestly feel alone and isolated. People seem to want to protect me by not talking to me and talking to each other about how to help, it’s not helping. I don’t know where to turn other than the professional services and maybe one day when I can afford it regular help.

I want to thank the people who’ve tried to help me through the last few days and dedicated time to supporting me. I hope ASCND can continue and others can pick up the baton and continue the mission in my absence. Now is the time to walk away from ASCND for a while and everything I’ve tried to do, I wish I could say with my head held high, sadly I am still full of shame and low.

Finally I want to encourage as many people as possible to go on a Mental Health First Aid course. Sounds like a sales pitch but I’m not trying to sell anything. You might just save a life.

The course is free and you can sign up HERE.

Nick Frendo

Founder ASCND

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