Sam slatter

Sam Slatter

I have always felt that I (and many others) have been a part of a generation who were almost forced to accept lows as a way of life. I have lived amidst a lifelong silent struggle with anxiety and felt as though it was a sign of weakness or that anxiety should be something I could simply deal with. I feared that people would tell me to “get on with it” or, the pièce de résistance, to “man up” if I was to ever mention what I was fighting. I knew the thoughts in my mind weren’t right, but things began to escalate when taking my own life became a serious possibility in the space of one split second. While on a family holiday, I was sat on a ledge with my legs daggling off a sheer drop, the concept of pushing myself off that ledge ran through my mind. I sat their frozen while those alongside me were enjoying the views we had hiked for that day, completely unaware of the notions swirling around in my head. Even when I was surrounded by people closest to me, I knew that nobody would have imagined what I was enduring in that split second. I eventually turned from the drop, quivering with fear and pretended to look for a toilet. Instead, I burst into tears under the cover of some nearby trees. It was this single moment where my life began to spiral out of control and when cycling came to the rescue. 

After this episode my anxiety heightened in peaks that I had never experienced before and in turn, led to me developing a severe skin infection. This then forced me to take a course of medical steroids. My cortisol levels became too high and the hormone began to hurt more than help. I started down a path of spending my weekends drinking to excess and I refused to come home because I couldn’t face my family. I’d purposely go missing for days and I would lie to friends about why I just needed a place to stay for the night. It’s horrifying to think that the state of your mental health can force you to become a completely different person and lying to cover up a world of nothingness and confusion seemed my best option. 

This is when cycling came into play. I had been cycling throughout these experiences and it offered me, what I think every rider feels when they step on the pedals, a form of escapism. I started riding after an unfortunate injury and I used cycling as part of my rehab. I was riding due to my competitive nature and to enjoy the great outdoors but my mind was never unplugged. At this time, I was using my bike as form of evasion from the truth. However, when my struggles became more serious, I took control and revolved my recovery around cycling. I found work as a barista at a neighboring cycling café that was run by a professional cycling photographer called Simon Gill. I found the cycling community healthy for my lifestyle and my mental health. It was the welcoming culture and my involvement allowed me to return to a healthy state. There are numerous people who may never know the impact they had on my life but I will be forever grateful to that cycling community.

I have since ridden more than ever before with my emphasis on letting rides put a smile on my face and allowing the emotional side of cycling to help me escape. I took riding my bike to a more enjoyable and social level where I was attempting to discover new lanes or climbing new hills to catch a sunset or sunrise. These are moments that I search for on the bike, ones where I can take a deep inhale of breath and release slowly while taking in the great outdoors. These single occasions may come with a hot coffee in my hand or spinning it up with friends on our local loops. I believe cycling allows you to take a step back from your own personal battles & traumas and be clearer in mind, something which I long for on a daily basis. Whether a ride entails some efforts, double caffeine stops or even to just get you from A to B, they all play a part. It can be hard to express the glow you experience as a cyclist; you finish a rewarding ride, clean your bike down, make yourself some food and then perch up in front of the TV with a hot cuppa. It is in this moment you let that glow absorb you. I believe the boundaries cycling has opened up for me saved my future. 

Cycling aided me in breaking my silence and while it hasn’t resolved all of my complications with emptiness and confusion, it has had other affects. Friends closest to me have opened up personally about their struggles, which I assume is because I allowed myself to be more honest and accessible emotionally. I would not have felt compelled to share my feelings without my bike and as a result I feel more optimistic about my life.

With the effect cycling has had on me, it has inspired friends and I to start a cycling club called Inner Acre CC. We didn’t start with a goal in mind, and we don’t worry about performance or numbers or results, but about getting out there with whoever is around in the evening or at the weekend and enjoying the feeling of freedom that cycling gives. The name derives from the fact that as a group of friends we all grew up around the same area, yet it has developed to represent different things. As well as being a physical place where we meet for rides, the “inner acre” has become representative of the space inside your own head. The Inner Acre cc, unassumingly, represents a lot of the key issues that come with struggles around mental health, as well as the support networks that help deal with it.
Struggle, fear and feeling a little lost are all aspects of mental health and in a certain way you battle these elements on a ride from time to time. To put it in cycling terms you’re the only one who can turn the pedals but having someone to draft when you’re going through a bad patch makes the struggle a whole lot easier. I guess my point is that the IA isn’t some master plan and never set out to solve the problem with the struggle against mental health but by just existing it is helping. It is in essence a group of friends doing something that love to do and through that helping keep each other on track, even when we don’t know it. On some days, for some people it’s just a bike ride, on other days and for other people it could be a lot more. Our foundation is to be open to all and welcome whoever wants to join us no matter your cycling ability we’ll be here for you.

Thanks for sharing sam and thank you to simon gill for the amzing images.