It starts and ends with you
It Starts and Ends with You
These are strange times we live in, dark times. The proliferation of right-wing leaders across the globe, the absence of accountability by members of the aristocracy and political elite, the rise in the cost of the living, the continued oppression of masses of people, the present harm and future threat of climate change, the omnipresent Covid, and of course the very low worldwide cycling stock. Any one of these, or all of them has been a factor in my mental health. For someone as vulnerable as me, this world seems at times like it was built to ruin me. I have stumbled from one depressive episode to another, always glad to get out of one whilst still in the knowledge that the next is already waiting in the shadows.
At times I’ve come to the conclusion there is only one way to stop this internal cycle of suffering; the darkest of thoughts have crept across my mind like an evil spirit in the night, full of malevolence and wickedry, only to be beaten by my cowardice, my capitulation of character.
I write this as I wait for a courier to arrive and take my PCR test to the laboratory for analysis; I tested positive for Covid three days ago and am therefore in isolation for ten days. The impact of this on me is I shall be on my own for Christmas, I’m not able to cuddle my little boy, I can’t socialise and I can’t ride, that space that allows the receptive motion of process and thought (perhaps overthought). Instead I am marooned in my home, in suburban solitude as the world moves around me, a chrysalis waiting for spring to unfurl. A month or so ago this would have destroyed me, who knows maybe in a few days time it still will, but at the moment I feel alright, more at one. Don’t get me wrong, I still experience anxiety, I still feel wobbly. Only this time instead of it being laced with fear I’m a step away from that. Instead of being on the edge of a precipice I’m slightly removed from it.
So what is the source of this new perspective, this vertical vision? The answer is right in front of you: Ascnd, and you. Despite all the horrible cruelty of governments, structures, people, and actions there are glimmers of hope, slithers of smiles, and it’s these that I cling to. None of which I wouldn’t have seen or been open to without Ascnd.
My connection with others from around the world has strengthened this year, interacting more with people from a diverse range of nations, challenges and backgrounds. I have, through conscious and subconscious decisions, reached out to more people and they in turned have reciprocated. Without this community I would still be suffering alone, entertaining thoughts that I struggle to admit to myself I entertained even now. I would be seeing no light, plodding on in a perpetual fog of misery.
The Ascnd rides that I’ve been thrilled to be part of have given me something to (really) look forward to, be it the summer ride in Sussex or the amended end of season ride in London, each one has been a highlight. They’ve given me the opportunity to build new friendships, or deepen existing ones, and I’m eternally grateful for that. It’s these friendships that are what bind us, this common lived understanding of what unites and unifies us all as Ascnd crew that makes this such a positive and affirming collective.
By being open and authentic with ourselves and others about the challenges we face, the things we feel, by checking in on others, elevating and supporting these comrades in mental health, we also support ourselves.
In my job in change management I work with people to help them find the right solutions to their challenges. Part of this is by working to three pillars of approach (cyclical), something that I also bring in to my personal life that has helped me considerably:
Transparency - I am open and honest (to others and myself) about my challenges and what I’m feeling.
Inspection - I try to understand why.
Adaption - I make a change/changes accordingly.
Using this has given me greater insight into what matters most to me, the kind of people I know are good for me and that I like being around, identify triggers, and ultimately benefit me and make me a better version of myself.
I’ve met some of those people that are good for me and I enjoy being around this year. Some of whom I know are friends for life despite only being in their company a few times. The connection I’ve felt with these people is real (you know who you are) and has continued, sometimes daily since we connected. It’s not something I usually feel, historically I tend to sit in the background, comfortable (but not really) in my introversion, not speaking up or speaking at all. However this year Ascnd brought me and these people together and a connection was there instantly. I have a lifetime of gratitude and love for that.
Through these connections, these rides, my friends for life, support structures, approaches and choices I’ve been able to get to a place I thought ridiculous only a couple of months ago, a place where I feel more me, more free, less scared. I have welcomed in love from strangers, opened up to people about secrets I kept locked inside and in so doing freed myself a little bit more, explored my present and my future. I have also made some incredibly tough decisions that have been very painful, but that I needed to do for my own mental health. None of this growth would have been possible without Ascnd. You wouldn’t be reading this, I wouldn’t have met you (be it literally on via Instagram) and those bonds wouldn’t have been built.
So as this year comes to a close, I look back at what I gained, at the friends I’ve made, the personal growth I’ve undergone, the heights I’ve scaled and the depths I’ve come through. It’s been one of the most challenging and difficult years of my life, but these connections, the possibilities and opportunities give me an excitement for the future that I’ve not felt in a long time. These are strange times we live in, but I can see lights glistening.
Jonnie Bloor @centuriescc
