Signing off

it’s all got a bit much.

You may or may not be aware but I’ve been recently been struggling with my mental illness. It’s reared its ugly head again and almost cost me my life. If it wasn’t for a passer by intervening I wouldn’t be writing this today.

I don’t want to dwell on recent events too much though. I’ve battled through the last few weeks and taken my brain biscuits* and accepted all the help I can. In spite of all that I’ve come to the realisation that I’m not cut out for this. I thrive when I’m down, I can post all day about my struggles and I can write volumes when I’m low. I’m most proud of my most recent podcasts, a week after I tried to kill myself. I could’ve posted every day twice a day on both accounts, I had so much to say and therein lies the problem.

I’ve given everything to this over the last 4-5 years. being a mental health advocate and sharing stories has been my focus but now I’m broken.

When I first started to struggle I couldn’t find many people like me, I didn’t see much on social media that I could relate to and therefore thought I was alone. I wasn’t obviously but my bubble or friendship circle didn’t talk about mental health. I wanted to change that and that’s where ASCND was born. I wanted to shout “you’re not fucking alone, look at me, same shit over here”.

I’m not outgoing, I’m an introvert. Putting myself out there doesn’t come easy. I struggle to communicate any other way than how I think. It’s ofter raw and emotional and fuck it, sometimes makes no sense to the reader. I don’t care, it’s me and what I’m feeling in that moment.

It saddens me to admit this but I can’t can’t it anymore. If you read my previous two entries you’ll notice a difference. The tone, the anger then the more considered. I’m writing this as I sit in the North Terminal at Gatwick Airport, I’m holding back the tears as I don’t want to cry in public. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I should be proud of my progress and what I’ve achieved, but I’m not. Even after a good week and feeling like I’m on the mend I’ve been triggered again.

This isn’t a knee jerk reaction to this current trigger. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Like most people I have regular doubts about myself, low self esteem and self worth and they’ve have only increased in the last few weeks.

I tried to do something to help but instead I’m empty. The recent outpouring on social media was followed by silence, the “good vibes” are meaningless. the offers of help, I’ll call, i’ll be over didn’t seem to be for my benefit as I can count the people who followed through on one hand…which is missing some fingers.

So to that end I’m taking a break. I want to be alone and figure myself out. I can be contacted through the site or you can email me directly nick@ascnd.cc.

All orders, charitable donations will be fulfilled but if you do have any concerns please do drop me a line.

Finally I feel like I’ve let people down and I should apologise. I know some find hope and support in what I do but I’m sorry I can’t continue.

Signing off

Nick Frendo