Rainbows and Unicorns - Progress

Heading into autumn 2023 and it’s safe to say that I don’t have a lot to say. It may sound weird and I’m about to massively contradict myself by writing this but to me that’s a sign I’m in a good place.  This is about progress and I have made considerable progress over the last year, but  I don't really feel like I can talk about it and how far I’ve come without talking about some of the negatives.

Roll back a couple of years when I was constantly churning out #content and ASCND was at its peak (no pun intended) I viewed being quiet and content as a negative, in fact when I was posting and writing loads it was a sign I was struggling, my fitness would also go through the roof, my Strava profile was an amazing mental health tracker, I obviously used both as a way of coping and clearly that didn’t work. What I really needed was help and support, both professional and personal.

In case you're new to my ramblings in 2022 I spiralled out of control and tried to take my own life, not for the first time either. I was taken into care “sectioned” and a chain of events led me to where I am today. Stable and content and that’s a big deal. It took a year of absolute hell to get me here but here I am.

I’m never  going to go into details about what sent me over the edge and I’m fully aware I was imploding six months prior to that awful day but what it did highlight was the fact that all the attention I got for what I was doing and a lot of the people who wanted to be a part of it had a very different agenda that did t align with my goals and people forgot I was ill. People have said they saw it happening, did anyone ever say anything, no. Was I ever asked how I was doing or was it suggested I get help, no. I still struggle with people saying they could see me deteriorate and still do or say nothing. I do understand that some people don’t know what to say or how to say things and that  is why the mental health first aid courses were so important to me. When I  posted about my episode numerous people said they’d call and visit, they didn’t. Imagine how that feels when you’re in a crisis, I was screaming out about how alone I was and there was next to no response, just a void.

What happened next was that I was made a pariah, exiled from the London cycling scene, rumors spread, awful untrue accusations, gossip  people posting openly on instagram about me which resulted in me going back into care. No one spoke up for me and all the good I’d done was forgotten in an instant and ASCND was no more. People knew I was ill and still piled in.

For months I isolated myself, too embarrassed to show my face. I didn’t know who believed what or who I could trust. I decided it was no one. Only I could dig myself out of that hole.

The rebuilding started by accepting professional help, therapy and meds. Two things I’d avoided for many years. My job was both a massive help but it also meant being in front of the same community that had turned on me and facing those that had said such awful things about me. I would often hide at work and find stuff to keep me away from people and avoid any contact.

Probably the most important thing I’ve learned is that all the attention is meaningless. Isolating myself and just being me has given me the time and space to recover, if anything cancel culture’s done me a favour, so I guess it’s not so bad.

I’m no longer interested in what people think, I used  to say that but now I mean it. I don’t need any attention or want any “exposure” for or from brands, I find the social media mental health thing toxic as hell and incredibly disingenuous,  I was as guilty as anyone but only now can I see that. Encouraging people to talk is great but why not go a bit further, actually do something. I wish I could have continued with things like the mental health first aid courses or fundraising but I’ll never put myself in that position again.

What’s got me here today is an acceptance for who I am and what I’ve been through. The support of a handful of people and the realisation  that I need to look after myself first.

I’m not cut out for the pressure the attention brings and I’m now far too guarded and suspicious of people's motives to truly open ASCND up again. 

As a great friend once said “ mental health isn’t all unicorns and fucking rainbows, it’s raw and sometimes upsetting” . Some may not like to hear what I say or how I say it but it’s part of my progress.

What I can take from all the above as negative as may read is that the journey has been tough but I’ve made it this far. I’m content with where and who I am and have the tools to get help from the right people and the right places, not social media or the influencers seeking attention for personal gain.

There are lots of people doing great things, plenty of organisations that are able to help, there’s links on the homepage. When times are hard people will show their true colours. All that social media noise is just that, noise. Look after yourself, don’t drink the Coolade and be your true self.

Thanks to all those that stood by me and are still here I’m truly grateful. It’s taken a long time but I can safely say I’m OK… and mean it.

Special mentions to Duke, Mona, Jim, Caspar and Andrew for the regular chats. None of the above would have happened without the constant love and support from Oriana.