My road to respair

Another Fucking growth opportunity

Sat here on a beautiful spring morning, the light streaming through and clear blue skies. I was supposed to be in Girona riding my bike with some friends but instead Covid finally got me the day before I was due to travel. This all feels very 2020, sitting on the balcony having a morning coffee with nothing to do and nowhere to go. 

On the face of it this should be nothing more than a blip. We’ve all got used to making plans and cancelling them. No big deal right, my triggers tell me otherwise.

On Saturday I turned 47, older, wiser, saltier (if that’s possible). I should be in a really good place. ASCND is taking off, we’ve run some incredible events, the new jerseys are flying out, I’ve assembled a team who are helping take it to the next level and we’re even in a position  to deliver a number of mental health initiatives including mental health first aid courses. On top of that I’m also starting a new job in a couple of months, a project I’m really excited about and I’ve got a number of amazing brands supporting me and my efforts. So what’s wrong with me?

I am at best a bit lost, my relationship recently ended and I feel like I did a few years ago, I’m sometimes vacant and at my worst very easily triggered and angry. My hope is that it is just tiredness and making all the good stuff above happen has taken its toll. I deleted most of my social media to cut out some of the noise and free up some headspace but none of this has worked. There’s a worryingly familiar feeling at the moment where even when things are good and going well I’m itching to hit the self-destruct button. I still have feelings of self loathing no matter what I do or how much smoke gets blown up my arse, I still isolate myself and won’t accept any help. I have numerous people who will drop everything for me but I won't let them in. Previous experiences tell me I'll set fire to those relationships rather than work on them, it’s an all too regular and familiar pattern. These people are there for me 24/7 yet I still feel alone and unable to help myself or accept their help, the irony of what I do with ASCND and how I behave aren’t lost on me either.

Girona was supposed to be an escape, a chance to reset, get back to what I love, travelling and guiding and maybe I’m just pissed off and tired but my behaviour tells me otherwise. I’ve been here before. 2017 wasn’t a good and this has all the hallmarks of a potential return to the bad old days.

There is one big difference between the Nick of 2017 and the current one. Yes I have similar feelings of despair and shit, how has this happened again. But unlike 2017 I know what to expect and have a better understanding of how to cope. Back then I felt like I had no one I could talk to and I even if I did I wouldn’t, I’d bottle it all up and hope it would pass., obviously it didn’t.

I often have these “bouts of doubt”, I’m fairly self aware and I know I’m not heading towards a crisis, this isn’t one and there is no need to worry about me.

Why?

While I may not accept help from those around me I know they’re there. I also know I can attend a TNN Boys Talk meeting if I need to. I know I’ve got people who will and more importantly know how to support me. They’ll know what the right questions are and what not to ask. They’ll know that sometimes I want to sit in silence and they’ll accept it rather than push. They know that just by being there and distracting me they’re helping.

I decided not to tell anyone about this until now as I don’t want people to worry about me.. Don’t be surprised if I don’t respond to messages and don’t take it personally. Knowing me I’ll either go over the top with all the #CONTENT or I’ll stay quiet, but I will keep you in the loop with my progress and be honest about how I feel, something I’ve not been able to do this year. I hope I can be true to myself and show what’s going on with me and I hope more than anything that those who can relate get what this is all about and by me sharing if nothing else highlights that you are not alone.

One thing I’ve discovered is that The Road to Respair isn’t linear or flat and it’s continually asking questions of me. It’s my journey and something I feel I need to share.

See you on the other side.

Nick