Don’t call it a comeback

Let’s start by calling this an update rather than a comeback. Recent visits and conversations with Karl Kopinski and Duke have lead me to write this post. Thanks gents.

I’ve spent the last year trying to find some anonymity, I took everything down, the website, my social media, I avoided the London cycling scene and felt unsafe and ashamed. I wouldn’t engage or ride with anyone and I’ve generally been super weird around people due to last year's events. Me being standoffish and weird has quite often been misinterpreted as something else but I genuinely don’t know how to act around people.

Currently I’m in a good place and I feel like I have control over my illness as opposed to the other way around. I was diagnosed bi-polar and not that I needed a label it's definitely explained a lot. I'm now able to recognise progress and tell the difference between stress and when I’m struggling or spiralling. I’ve been triggered a few times over the last year and I’ve known what to do and accepted support and got through every challenge without things getting out of control.

I’ve gone from being sectioned, unstable and requiring help to having a very normal life. Earlier this year I gambled and stopped taking my medication, I hated the way they made me feel, I was empty, numb and unmotivated. While in care I was told to score my days 1 - 10 and I was a constant 5. I didn't react to anything,  good or bad. I tried a couple of times to come off my meds but it was probably too soon and I reacted badly but this time I felt like I could manage. At first I was unsure but one week lead to two, then three and then it had been a couple of months and I was OK.  

I’d struggled with my GP, once I was out of emergency care where the NHS was incredible the support disappeared. It felt like jumping out of an airplane pulling the ripcord on a parachute and nothing happening. I was on my own but I needed to know if I was being reckless or there was an alternative form of medication or treatment. I changed practice and when I got to see someone I told them what I’d done the reaction was one of disbelief, I’d essentially been abandoned but the new GP was great and a care plan was put in place and I was taken off medication completely and eventually discharged from mental health care. I felt like I’d achieved that on my own, obviously I hadn’t, Oriana, my girlfriend, my boss, colleagues and friends need to take some of the credit as well, their support has been incredible.

I noticed earlier this year that I was different. I’ve pushed myself a few times physically and mentally, on occasions I’ve retreated away and others pushed beyond what I thought capable. My tolerance levels are different. I rode through Italy in March and as I crossed the Apennines the weather closed in. I was alone, I had snow, rain, wind. The conditions were awful but I was able to laugh it off and enjoy the moment. Old Nick would’ve ranted and looked for the nearest place to bail to but I just pushed on and even enjoyed it.

Recently I went back on Instagram and have ventured out in public and made myself more visible. I had/ have a pretty unhealthy relationship with social media and I'm not sure that’s changed so we’ll see. One thing was clear though, I don’t need it as I hadn’t missed it, the same old BS was still very present and it still feels incredibly toxic. 

A few folks have reached out recently and asked about ASCND and would I ever bring it back. I’m definitely not the person to drive something like this but maybe someone else out there can, who knows. There is however an obvious space and need for something like this to exist or maybe I’ll just treat this as a personal journal instead of using social media.

These people  reminded me of the good that I did, the charity work, the films, the messaging, the amazing jerseys and the mental health first aid courses we delivered. I was told to feel proud of what I’d done and you know what, now I do. I look at how I react to things now and can use the word progress.

The Road to Repair used to be my mantra but never has it felt more relevant.

To end I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s shared a wheel or coffee or even come by work and said hi, but one person in particular was there throughout the trauma, some of the lows and the highs, shared the good times and helped get me here today, Oriana thank you and I love you.

Nick.