Sam slatter

Sam Slatter

I recently realised that it had been exactly two years since I had broken my collarbone while away skiing. Why is this important? Well, I believe this to be one of the catalysts that led to my most significant and impactful crisis point and my further battle with mental health. This was when the suicidal notions first manifested in my mind. It’s haunting to think that two years down the road, I am here on the verge of what I sense is a similar episode. Of late, I’ve been reflecting a fair amount on the past, possibly due to the fact that 2021 is turning out to be a year where we’re having more time to ourselves and our thoughts. I’ve always been wary of delving backwards because it tends to make me extremely anxious, nevertheless, once it starts it’s hard to stop. I often remember the smallest detail of a conversation, something I may have said or someone’s reaction. From these past memories, I begin creating scenarios in my head around what I believe someone thinks of me, which inevitably is a negative one. There is seemingly a high chance that person doesn’t look at me in my fabricated way, however I manage to convince myself they do.

 I have personally felt the fatigue of lockdown in waves this year, however, more recently it feels as though a fresh sense of panic and uneasiness has begun to emerge. A recent note I typed on my phone at the side of the road while on a ride was “God I feel so worthless right now. I add nothing, fuck me I’m so flat’. Therefore, when I returned home, I looked up the meaning of worthlessness. “Having no real value or use”. Yep, that is how I feel. I’ve found myself becoming anxious when thinking that no one cares about me out there or perhaps I’ve done something wrong to create this feeling of inadequacy. Even thinking ‘if I walked out in front of a car who would pull me back?’, all ideas I have manipulated from anxiety and thoughts brought up from the past.

 Everything became a bit overpowering and I sat with my hands over my eyes feeling myself weeping, I didn’t want to raise my hands away from my eyes. I was enjoying the darkness. When I pulled my hands away that’s when the anxiety wave kicked in. My chest tightened up, I got light headed, I could feel my heartbeat in my eardrums and I felt as though a rubber band was wrapped around my head, getting tighter and tighter. As I am writing this, I can feel a panic attack brewing, my hands feel shaky as I type. I seem to care so much about what people think of me or that I might have done something wrong,  that it leads to quite a severe impact on my well-being.

 I have been told on numerous occasions that I have so much to be happy for, loving family (they are the best), amazing friends (they are amazing) and a good social life. Why would I want to give this all up or why do I feel worthless? Simple answer, I find living with myself so draining. People often say to me I am good with people (a trait I am chuffed people say) and seem happy. Once I am alone I couldn’t be further from that person. It’s not an act (a statement I worry people think), I can’t describe it. Sometimes I’m lost, sometimes I’m confused, sometimes I’m happy. Make your fucking mind up mate, ey.

 When I am feeling better I feel more comfortable talking about my feelings and the ups & downs I am having. When I am experiencing a nasty period, I wallow in self-pity and I wait for someone to ask me if I’m ok. Even continue to persuade people I am fine when they do ask, while an enormity of pressures builds until. Someone (I’m not always sure who that person might be) asks and I finally say something and I completely breakdown. Instead of opening up from the outset I choose to listen to music which makes me sad, I will scream the lyrics as loud as I can until I start crying and I have followed this coping mechanism for years. Music with quotes like “It’s hard enough being alone. Sitting here by my phone, waiting for my memories. To come and play”. “How can they look into my eyes, and still they don’t believe me”. “Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say”. “Never been so scared to be open. Knocking down wall through to more emptiness”.

Yes, I am experiencing a rough time now, however, I would have never have admitted this before, but I know I am more aware of these feelings then I have ever been. A gentle but harsh reminder of the battle I’m continuously facing. I am going through my own road to respair and this is a segment of my journey. A course that I have identified the means of writing to help, and through ASCND. Sharing with ASCND has allowed me to be honest, and express the feeling I experience all too regularly. Through this I have let people in. When someone says that something you have written resonates with them. I don’t think I’ve felt a greater sense of reward before. I am on my own journey, while taking into account an element of my life I never properly considered. My mental health.

 I, like many others, am looking forward to riding with friends again but am aware of not putting too much emphasis on the fact that I hope it ends this feeling of worthlessness. I’m recharging my batteries and starting again when we make our way out of this together again. This is the lowest I’ve been in a long time, this isn’t a cry for help but more about identifying that I’m not in a good way and I feel positive for the mere fact I acknowledge my struggles this time around.