A comeback of sorts

The last couple of months have seen a bit of a return to form. I’ve gone from lacking in any confidence to being comfortable and feeling accepted again. Work has forced me to get out and see more people and connect with the cycling community again. I’ve been hosting rides, riding in groups and re-establishing old networks. My confidence has grown, I’m not as fragile as I was and any negativity I experienced a couple of years ago has long been forgotten by anyone who matters.

For those see me out and about on the bike or met me at VIA I probably seemed with standoffish or arrogant, I guess I was a bit of both but it was more than that, I put up barriers to protect myself. I’d been very open about my crisis and I felt ashamed, rumours spread and some people put the boot in further, amazes me still how people I was close to told me I was spiralling but essentially did nothing to help. Many of those claimed to be allies and advocates, some still do but actions speak louder than posts.

It’s been a tough couple of years figuring it all out and how to set boundaries but lately I feel a bit more like I did a few years ago. I think the zero fucks attitude has been a massive part of it all. My Manson was right all along post and a few changes in outlook have helped get me back out there again. I hope I’m a bit more approachable, my barriers will always be up and boundaries are hard fixed but I’m definitely more outgoing, more visible and more confident.

I still prefer riding on my own, I always have but I’m also more willing to head out with others, I even enjoyed a group ride last weekend, wild eh? I’ll never be particularly sociable and I’ll never put myself out there like I used to. The toxicity around social media and mental health for me now means anything I do I do for me, if someone can relate to it and understand that it’s not just them going through shit then brilliant, you’ll never see me on a panel or podcast and my posts relating to my illness are pretty rare these days.

Every now and then I think about trying to do more, restart my fundraising efforts but if I’m being honest that drive I had previously was in a large part my illness. The more I did or harder I pushed myself or even the more I tried to be someone I’m not the worse it got. I think I have the balance right now and I’m enjoying my life, probably for the first time in a long time.

Being around people isn’t easy but it’s definitely easier.

Thanks to everyone who’s contributed to the recovery and made life just that little bit easier.

Images @ZFMedia @fullengthbrooke and me