Earn the contrast

I used to be able to spill my guts when I was struggling. People seemed to love and react to the despair, they’d thrive on it as much as me. I’m pretty insular now, even though I post regularly on socials and don’t mind a few social engagements from time to time, I like my own space now more than ever, I’ve created boundaries I’m comfortable with.

I want to show how far I’ve come, how content I am, how I’ve gone from the lows I did, to where I am today. I have an energy that I don't think I’ve felt for as far back as I can remember. The lows of the last few years have no doubt drowned out or suffocated the good stuff, there’s absolutely been some highs but the lows have generally won through. I still want to use ASCND to highlight the struggles, signpost help and resources and show people that you can have hope, I'm just not very sure how, so I’ll continue to write like this as much for myself as anyone else and hope it proves useful for me and whoever reads it.

There’s been some noticeable changes this year. Normally my fitness and poor mental health go hand in hand, I’d normally cover up my problems by riding more, writing more and being more vocal. I’m currently the fittest I’ve been for a while, I’m really enjoying riding, I have time to head out for long weekend rides and I’m sneaking more KM’s everyday with laps or sessions on Zwift. There’s no need to ride more, I just am, it's fun. I don’t feel the need to post stuff on Instagram, I just am, if I have to think about it I don’t. If I feel like I need to do something it’s probably a sign not to do it.

I spent November fundraising for Movember again, I had to make sure I didn’t put any pressure on myself and I didn’t, I enjoyed it. I may not have raised the tens of thousands like I did in the past but feeling like I contributed felt great. I said I wouldn’t set out on another stupid ride, but I did. The plan was London to Kendal in 48 hours, the odds were stacked against me but the current mood gave me a sense of “fuck it, why not”. Easily the worst five hours on a bike, freezing temperatures and heavy rain put paid to the attempt, but you know what, I’m pretty pleased I tried and went for so long. Before I’d either have continued and endangered myself or thrown my toys out and had a bit of a moment, not this time. In the past I would’ve been worried that I’d feel like I’d let people down but I was doing this for me and for the right reasons, I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone anymore and it feels good.

I got one message after bailing that’s really stuck, I can apply it to a lot in my life including my illness I guess. I know that those five hours were horrific, but when I travel and ride somewhere nice with the sun on my face I’d have “earned” it. Putting in those winter miles in the cold and rain or working though things when I struggle and figuring shit out, the contrast between the highs and lows, the highs are higher because of the lows, I earned that contrast. One message from a friend “earn the contrast” really struck a chord with me, whether its the rides or my mood I think it’s something I’ll never forget, some of the things I’ve made it through, being sectioned two and a bit years ago to where I am today, I’ve fucking earned it. 

ASCND grew largely due to a drive fuelled by my illness, the tone, the need to be something I’m not, people seemed to love it and maybe relate because I was so “honest”. These last few posts are the same, still very honest but that tone is very different. Hopefully positive and people can relate to it as much as before. Don’t get me wrong I’ll always be the same salty, standoffish mother fucker I’ve always been but at the moment I’m good, I have an energy and drive again but it’s all a bit more positive and I’m content with where I find myself.

To sign off I think this is where ASCND is for me, what ascend can mean, to move or ascend upwards.  Heading into another year and I definitely feel like I’m moving upwards.

A few thank yous for this month. Michael for the message and quote, Jim for being Jim, Elaine for coffee and support and as ever Oriana. To everyone who messaged me or donated, thank you!